If You Had a Year That Rearranged You
on grief, joy, uncertainty, and the quiet ways we find our way back to ourselves.
“Life changes in the instant. The ordinary instant.” ~ Joan Didion
Sometimes the reality of your life hits you in the most ordinary places.
for me, it happened in a walmart aisle.
I was stopping in to grab cat food but along the way I found myself in front of all these rows of cat toys just staring and thinking about how at christmas this year, my beloved cat Styles won’t be there with us to open gifts in his silly little way. It took all of me to shake off the tears welling up as the reality set in further.
he is gone.
I walked like a zombie through the aisles considering the year that was.
the people I lost, the friendships that shifted, the hard conversations I never wanted to have, the changes in work, the changes in me, the moves, the mistakes, the moments I surprised myself, the things I let go of, the things I fought for, the quiet ways I kept going even when I felt stretched thin.
a year that rearranged so much inside me.
And in that moment, I realized how much uncertainty I am still holding as I close out this year.
the year of the snake, boy did she strip me down bare
and yet, still somehow offered so much beauty, love, expansion and momentum too.
This is the duality I keep circling back to. How the tender, harder emotions will try to take the driver’s seat and convince us the story is only heavy or hard or unknown. Then something small or unexpected reminds you that it is not that simple.
we only get one life. and none of us are exempt from change.
not at any age. not in any season.
unexpected pivots, goodbyes, new pathways, beginnings, endings.
all signs
that we are alive.
Grief and joy are not opposites. They coexist in the same breath.
two of my girlfriends and I were talking about this the other night while painting rocks together:
“That the beauty of life isn’t only present when things are going well—when joy, pleasure, and abundance feel easeful. It’s also here when everything feels like it’s falling apart or shifting beneath us. Those waves aren’t going anywhere. Uncertainty is part of the journey. So the work isn’t to shut down every time it gets hard, but to stay open to what’s available in the depths/shadows too.”
We agreed that both ends of the spectrum can be powerful catalysts for awareness, bravery, clarity, and action. (but damn, what a practice!)
There’s something astonishing about being able to access gratitude in the midst of it all—to recognize what each season is offering and to find ways to appreciate the whole experience.
Some days I can reframe and see this easily. Other days it all feels very close to the surface.
as we close out the last month of the year I’ve been reflecting a lot on the nuance of it all and how much can shift in a single year.
Because alongside the grief and exhaustion there was also this:
In the last 6 months…
I self-published my first book and just passed 150 sales.
I worked with 7 incredible clients.
I hosted sold out events in June & November.
I sold my book at multiple events including a retreat.
I was featured on 3 podcasts.
I rebuilt and realigned my business and my creative practice from the inside out.
I’ve been creating for fun again. (currently playing with ink calligraphy)
I dyed my hair deep red just because it felt right.
I reconnected with and found aligned friends and community.
I joined a breathwork and yoga women’s circle.
my bird feeder game went way up (enjoying the cute birdies daily)
I got a new kitten.
So when I step back and take a minute to take stock…
The story of this year wasn’t just loss or uncertainty.
It was also accessing a deep well of inner strength, courage, creativity, joy and reconnection.
It was choosing myself again and again even when things were hard behind the scenes.
It was leaning into friends and community.
It was taking action and believing in possibility.
In the in between, you haven’t lost the path. you’re simply learning to walk it differently.
And at my event last month, I saw that reflected back to me.
A room full of people facing their own versions of uncertainty and change. Grief. Career shifts. Identity questions. Breakups. New dreams forming. One person holding hope in one hand and fear in the other. Another realizing they were finally ready to choose themselves. It was such an intimate and honest room. Seeing the texture of metamorphosis and how it visits everyone in different ways.
What struck me was that although everyone was in a different chapter, the emotional climate was the same.
That tender middle space after life has rearranged you but before anything new has tangibly taken shape.
The in between.
And if you had a year that rearranged you too, here’s what I want to offer:
You’re not supposed to know what comes next.
You’re not supposed to rush your way out of the uncertainty.
You’re not supposed to “bounce back.”
When life rearranges you, it asks for a different kind of attention and presence.
It asks you to honor what ended.
To acknowledge what changed you.
To let yourself feel the truth of it without turning it into a problem to solve.
It asks you to trust the parts of you that are growing quietly inside and under the surface, even if no one else can see it yet.
let’s go deeper
I talked about this recently on Julianna Leamen’s podcast where we explored what it really means to move through change from the inside out and why most of us aren’t struggling with change itself but with integration. Letting ourselves actually feel what’s rearranging before slipping back into auto-pilot, numbing or rushing toward the next goal post.
If you’re also sitting in an in-between space right now, here are some questions I’ve been journaling on this week. They helped me find a little more chill and self trust inside the uncertainty
What has been heavy and have I given myself even a moment to honor it
What surprised me this year in the best way
What tiny thing still brings me joy even on the harder days
What part of me is asking to be seen or heard again
What dream or creative pull keeps tapping me on the shoulder
What gets in the way of moving toward it
and what would one incredibly small next step look like
And for now I just want you to know this
If you’re standing in your own Walmart aisle moment wondering what’s next
you’re not lost, or alone, or behind
this is simply part of the journey
and you’re right where you need to be.
And I’d genuinely love to know
What part of your life feels like it’s shifting right now?
What are you letting go of as this year closes?
What are you calling in for 2026?